


The Reawakening of Kanaya Maryam

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [21]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Addiction, Christian Character, Concern, F/F, Gen, Jewish Captors, Mixed Religions, Muslim Character, Vampire Kanaya, Vampires, Warning for mentions of addiction and relapse, addiction is a powerful thing, vampire maryams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-06-05 09:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6699283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Addiction Is A Powerful Thing. </p><p>Alternatively titled: Kanaya==> Just Be Chill With Familial Addictions </p><p>Or </p><p>Non-Textbook Vampirism</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reawakening

**Author's Note:**

> Those asterisks will go away eventually but for now it's still sort of a spoiler. This fic has my two favorite spoilers, actually, and I was inspired to finish it by trolljegus, who is! So great.

The first time in a long time is after Hanukkah with the Captors. You both come home after a wonderful stay with family, and you can tell immediately that Kanaya is off.

She's...shaky, almost, and not because of the cold, it's warm in your apartment, warm as...

Well, maybe that's it. The warmth.

It's been quite a while since the last time this really affected her, and you'd almost offer, but she's been so adamant about not partaking that you know you really can't.

So you hold her as she breaks down, knowing all the while that your closeness is probably making it worse more than better, but you really can't stop, can't walk away from her when she's like this, and it hurts, knowing you can't help.

It hurts, and it's going to keep hurting before it ever gets better.

* * *

 

"No, Rose, I'm sorry, I can't really say anything else." Karkat says, not quietly, because he doesn't know you're home yet. "I'm worried too."

You can't handle this.

You open the door and walk in, and Karkat says "No, she just came home. Bye, Rose."

He turns to you, then, unapologetic for being on the phone with your girlfriend.

"Get off early?" He asks, not overly casual, hiding nothing from you because why would he, really?

"Two hours early, actually. It was slow going and they said I was...on edge." You say.

"Where were you, then?" He asks, not accusingly.

"The mosque." You say. "I needed to calm down and pray for a while."

"Ah," He says. "I get it. I was actually going to go down to the church tomorrow after work. Do you want to come, or are you good?"

"I think I'll come." You say, and you know part of the reason is to prove a point to yourself, but most of it is legitimately because you have a lot to pray about, these days.

You don't mention him talking to Rose, or that you know she's worried about you.

You just go to your room and shut the door quietly, without any force behind the action.

* * *

 

By far the strangest thing about Kanaya Maryam is her inclination towards brightness, especially during times when it seems that the best solution would be darkness.

She has very unique episodes. You know this. You've known this for years because you've known Kanaya for years. You know Kanaya so very well, and the two of you are so utterly comfortable with each other that is hardly worth a mention at this point.

And yet, when she is here like this, you feel as if you hardly know her at all.

Her movements are vaguely erratic, and she is agitated.

You know why this is.

She's sitting on the couch, which is laden with blankets and pillows, as it always is. The windows have suggestions of curtains covering them, filtering in the light in a variety of colors, giving the appearance of stained glass. It's comforting, sometimes, to have the feel of those kinds of windows.

There is abstract art scattered in your apartment, much of it gold or glass and geometric. You personally find that some of the most beautiful times are when the mock stained glass light hits the abstract, golden, geometric forms. You know Kanaya agrees. It's like a joining of two aspects that are very important to the both of you.

You are in the kitchen. The kettle is on the stove. There are two mugs on the counter. You are fiddling around with boxes of tea and small containers for holding the loose leaves. The kettle whistles, and you remove it and pour the boiling water into the mugs. You place the loose leaf containers into the mugs and leave them to steep. You go to the freezer and take out four ice cubes, two for each mug, to cool the tea to a drinkable temperature. You stand at the counter, occasionally moving the loose leaf holders around, so the tea steeps faster.

You are more patient with tea than you are with the vast majority of the rest of your life.

Eventually, the tea is at a proper color and temperature. You take the mugs over to the couch, set them on the coffee table, and sit down next to Kanaya.

"Thank you." She says, reaching forward for her mug and taking a sip.

Normally she would say more. She'd comment on the blend of the tea, how close to just right the brew is, how perhaps a touch of honey would perfect the taste.

She is silent, now. You understand why.

It took years for you to calm down enough to be able to do anything but scream after a certain point during these episodes. You always wanted to help, but it seemed like there was no way for you to.

She's just so...

Quiet.

Your episodes vary from loud to soft, your worst being the silent ones (like after Gamzee, except wait no, that's not helpful to think about, so don't fucking do it), but Kanaya's are always so quiet.  
.  
And you know a large part of why this happens must be the lack of what Porrim and Aunt Rosa have, but Aunt Grace has always seemed so balanced without it. Then again, Aunt Grace never really tried it, never partook (you try so hard not to be nauseated when thinking about this, but it's really fucking hard), her completely virgin body doesn't understand the dependence like Kanaya's does.

And Kanaya stopped, which is the most amazing thing. You're proud of her for it, but...

If the result is episodes like these, you can't be entirely sure that it's worth it. Especially since they just seem to be happening more.

* * *

 "Kanaya," You say, interrupting the painful silence.

"Yes, Karkat?" She responds, as though nothing is wrong.

"Maybe you could - "

"No." She interrupts you firmly, leaving no room for debate.

"But Kanaya, you're suffering." You say. "And...I mean, I would be willing - "

" _No_ , Karkat." She says. "I'm not falling off the wagon just because of some minor - "

"These aren't just minor!" You insist. "You. Are. _Suffering_. And I think if you told Rose, even, she'd understand. She had problems with stuff, too."

"That was alcohol! Decidedly more understandable than - "

"It isn't your fault, though." You say. "It isn't, Kanaya, and I don't think you really get that. It's not your fault that you're like this. What happened back then wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault now that the only real solution seems to be - "

* * *

 

You're mentally begging him not to say it. You can't handle it if he says it, so you stop him before he can.

You stop him in the only way that you can think so, which involves teeth, and then

BLANK

your mind is

 

BLANK

there's nothing but the

TASTE

of

 

BLANK

and then you're pulling back, and somehow, Karkat's fine, no reason he wouldn't be, but you check his pulse anyway. He smiles somewhat unsteadily at you (he tries so hard to be alright with what you are, except no, that's not quite right, he is alright with what you are, it's just vaguely disgusting to him, which is more than fair) and everything is alright.

You feel much steadier, less like you're about to shake yourself to pieces, and you know, you know that the episode has passed.

Karkat was right.

All it took was acceptance and the taste of it in your mouth for this to be alright again. Acceptance may take a while longer, but you have Karkat to help you, and somehow, you're certain you'll have Rose.

Somehow, this will all be alright.


	2. The Trajectory of Garlic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Rose discuss and discover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo this should be longer but it's gonna be awhile before I got me a laptop, so this is what I can give for now

"Your girlfriend is a what?" Dave says, yanking off his glasses as though he's more concerned with dramatics than what you've just said.

Which, under normal circumstances, may be true.

But not today.

"It's only a suspicion, Dave," You say. "There's no reason to be dramatic."

"Um, no." He says. "Pretty sure there's a reason to be dramatic. And that reason is called, you just said your girlfriend is a vampire. Pretty damn good reason, in my humble opinion."

You don't want to admit that he has a point.

"She may well not be." You say, as though that can really placate him at this point. You would be beginning to regret telling him your suspicions, but this is Dave, your trusted confidante, your twin brother, your very soul.

"Have you been reading those weird books again?" He asks, and you could hit him.

"Maybe," You say, and are immediately interrupted by his "aha!"

Dick.

"But that isn't all," You say. "There have been signs. Perhaps I have been influenced by late nights and poorly written vampiric novellas, but I've also noticed Kanaya's new hesitance. Have you seen her at the clinic?"

"Um, no, I have not," Dave says. "Because unlike John, I have no reason to be at the clinic every half hour with a new injury, and unlike you, my girlfriend works at a different place with overly sterilized rooms."

"She never used to be hesitant at the sight of blood." You continue, completely ignoring Dave's tone. "It was as though it didn't affect her at all. Now, it's as though she can't think about anything else. She's taken to checking my pulse secretively, as though I wouldn't notice. And there was something that Karkat said - "

"Was it fuck?" Dave interrupts, once again. "I bet it was fuck."

"It wasn't fuck." You say. "It was something about how Kanaya has been spending more time at the mosque and church lately, even though, and I quote, 'She has nothing to prove. We all know it doesn't affect them, and besides, it's not like she's actually unholy.' Admittedly, I had gotten him slightly tipsy and most of his ramblings made no sense, but explain that, Dave."

"Oh gee, I don't know, maybe he was talking about her being a lesbian? Sorta frowned upon in many religions, even if that's dumb as hell." He says.

"What about 'it doesn't affect them'?" You ask. "And besides, we know that Kanaya was raised in a very accepting environment. She told me once that the first time someone told her it was a sin to be a lesbian, she was utterly shocked because she had never been exposed to hatefulness like that before."

"Look, Rose." Dave says. "I don't know what's wrong with Kanaya. I really don't, and I'm sorry that it's worrying you. But there's no way that she's a vampire. Here, I'll prove it to you next time I see her."

"Please don't." You say, very apprehensive about what that could mean.

"Oh, I will, sister dear." He says, grinning. "I will."

 

* * *

 

The next time you visit Rose, you already know that Dave is there. Not only can you hear his voice, but there is (horror of all horrors) one of his awful ties on the doorknob.

He does this, sometimes, as a hint, mostly to you, that he's there and one or both of them was feeling emotional. You suspect that it's Rose, as she has been acting a bit oddly lately.

This does not mean you forgive the awfulness of his tie, however. It disturbs you deeply.

You knock twice on the door before opening it and coming in. You can see Dave on the sofa only briefly before he's jumping up, running to Rose's kitchen, grabbing garlic, and throwing it at you. You catch it before you know what you're doing, inspecting it carefully.

It has a cross gouged into it.

You look up, then, and your eyes must give something away because Dave almost shrieks.

"No fucking way." He says. "No. No, I can't handle this, no way. No! No way in the absolute fucking universe - "

"Kanaya?" Rose says, faux gently, having seen the entire ordeal. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

Fuck.

 

* * *

 

"I suppose I had hoped you would feel that you were able to tell me," You say, trying so hard to....to understand, to get it, to not be judging her for being...well, for being a vampire. "That you were able to be honest with me."

"It isn't that easy, Rose." She says. "Not when it's so hard to know how people will react. The people who know have known for so long that it hardly seems important, sometimes."

"Like Karkat?" You say, too quickly, and with just a bit too much jealousy (any jealousy is too much, you know, you know there's nothing between them for you to be jealous of, you know that, you do, and yet).

"Like Karkat." She says, eyes narrowing slightly. "Rose, it is my right to have my secrets."

"I know that," You say, because you do know that, really. "I only...I want to know you better, Kanaya. I..."

It's briefly silent, and you don't know what you really want to say. This relationship has been good, overall, very good. But despite the length of it, you've never really been able to forget that this is still your very first relationship.

"I don't want to lose this." You say. "But I require honesty."

You do, too, you need the people you're close to to be honest with you because of a long history of passive aggressiveness and the scars that it has left upon you. You need pure honesty from even Dave, sometimes, and that should say quite a bit, but Kanaya doesn't know your soul like John and Jade, isn't a part of you like Dave, doesn't understand like Dirk and Roxy, she's someone still different, she knows you heart first like no one else, and now...

Now, she's been lying to you by omission, and you understand why, but your fragile, broken mind cannot let that go.

"I understand that." Kanaya says, as though she really could, though perhaps she's close. "Though I hope you understand why I was not very forward with this aspect of myself. After all, there are plenty of other eccentricities of mine. A blood addiction only adds to the already large pile."

"Addiction?" You say. "Oh. I wasn't aware that it was that serious. Was that the addiction you spoke of before?"

Before, when you'd come clean about your brief period of alcohol abuse, and she had said that she understood, with this flinch and expression that you'd never seen before, that made you think yes, yes she does understand.

"Yes." She says. "It faded for a while, but it's...returned. Karkat has encouraged me to face this aspect of myself and cease ignoring the pull of...of blood."

"Why did you ignore it?" You ask, because you're cursed with curiosity.

"My entrance to the world that my family has been a part of for generations was...unfortunate, to say the least." She says, no hesitance that you can detect. "I was brought in by a fight that broke out amongst my friends and the subsequent injuries awoke something within me. It was quite a traumatizing event. My addiction to blood always felt wrong, after that, something impure, though I'm aware it's purely biological for me."

"Fascinating," You can't help but murmur.

"I suppose it is." She says, smiling faintly. "Rose, I hope you know that I'm no danger to you."

That hadn't even occurred to you. You're a bit scared for a moment, not of Kanaya, but of your own ability to suspect your girlfriend of being a vampire and not be frightened by it at all.

But then again, this is Kanaya.

"I know that, Kanaya." You say. "I trust you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love kudos and comments and yeah, I'd love a comment from you, too. That's right. You.


	3. Coven or Family?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose knows about Kanaya's vampiric condition. What she doesn't know is how long it's stretched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STARTED WRITING THIS AND LOST IT ALL anyway I rewrote it, obviously. This is the last chapter for this little fic, though I may incorporate more Vampire Maryams if I feel like it/am asked to.

When you tell her you want her to meet your family, she only look at you in confusion. __

* * *

"Hey there batty, how's it hanging AUGH" Is how you are met at the door to your Aunt Daleen's house.

"Hello Uncle Si." You say. "Are you visiting Aunt Daleen?"

"A pun." Rose says from next to you. "How clever."

"She knows?!" Uncle Si nearly screeches, bringing your aunt to the door in record time.

"Yes," You say. "She knows."

"Well thanks for telling me that!" He shouts. "Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack!"

You notice his shaking hand, and put your own hand over it.

"Hush, Uncle Si." You say. "All is well."

You don't want to look at Rose, to see what she thinks of this. You don't want Rose to look disturbed at you comforting your uncle in what is obviously one of his downswings, though only family could possibly tell.

You look.

She merely looks vaguely confused.

You let out a breath, relieved.

* * *

"I've already met your family, Kanaya." She says.

* * *

"You've come for the incense," Aunt Daleen says, and goes to get you some.

"I swear, that woman reads minds," Uncle Si gripes, though fondly.

"Uncle Si?" You prod.

He pauses for a moment, then pushes his glasses up his face, to perch on the top of his head.

"I'm going through a rough patch, kiddo, as I'm sure you've already figured out. Rosa is...helping." He says, and you nod.

"Love you, Uncle Si." You say. "For real."

"Love you too, kiddo." He says, punching you lightly on the arm, just as Aunt Daleen comes back in with a box.

"This is what I have left." She says. "It will suffice for this trip."

"Thank you," You say.

* * *

"Not all of them." You say.

* * *

You're on the flight, later, when Rose sighs.

"So." She says. "You said that this person uses they pronouns?"

You nod.

"May I ask why?"

"The Elder - that is, the person we are going to meet - is intersex. They have lived as a man and as a woman but now prefer to live as neither."

"Ah," She says, curiosity sated for the moment, though you know she has plenty more questions. You're glad to answer them. A curious Rose is a Rose who is trying to get comfortable, and you want her to be comfortable with this, with you.

You were going to ask her to marry you before all of this.

Now you wonder if she could possibly want to marry a creature like you.

* * *

"Who else?" She asks.

* * *

You are hiking, near the spot you believe the current camp to be set up. Your tribe is nomadic, and hardly in the same place for long, unless it is necessary, to tend to the sick or hurt, or if someone is about to give birth.

"How much of this tribe is vampiric?" Rose asks from just behind you.

"It's a mixture." You say. "I'm not sure if there are more humans or more vampires. Neither has a higher status, except for The Elder."

"How old is The Elder?" She asks.

"Nearing their 500th year." You say.

"Hold old do most vampires live to be?"

"150 to 200 years."

"What's so special about The Elder?"

"No one knows."

* * *

"They're called The Elder. They live in Africa."

* * *

You are just outside The Elder's tent, colorful and airy, as always. You pull aside the fabric and look inside, to see The Elder sitting in the lotus position, draped in cloths.

"Elder?" You say, quietly, respectfully.

"Kanaya." The Elder says, without opening their eyes. "I was wondering when you would come again. Have you brought me new fabrics?"

"No, Elder." You say, walking into the tent, Rose just behind you. "Incense, from both myself and Daleen Rosa."

"Ah," They say. "How pleasant."

They open their eyes and register no surprise upon seeing Rose.

"Who is this?" They ask.

"Rose Lalonde." Rose says, and you smile, slightly, to see her fire still alive.

"Kanaya's betrothed?" The Elder asks.

Both of you blush deeply.

"Ah." The Elder says. "What do you wish of me, Kanaya?"

"I wish for Rose to become acquainted with my...with the vampiric part of me. I knew you were the best person to answer her questions."

The Elder smiles, warmly.

"Sit, my children. I will answer any questions you have."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos are rad comments are better pennamepersona.tumblr.com I swear I want to talk to you, I don't bite, I'm friendly!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all of my commenters!!!!! I love you all dearly. Also, did anyone figure out the Maryam Family Addiction??? Tell me!
> 
> Kudos are great, comments are R4D1C4L, find me at:
> 
> Pennamepersona.tumblr.com
> 
> [Buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/A375K8Q)


End file.
